Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotions, unstable relationships, and an unclear sense of self. One of the most common behaviors associated with BPD is idealization, where a person sees someone as perfect, only to later devalue them.
This pattern can be confusing for both the person with BPD and those around them. Why do people with BPD idealize others? What drives this intense admiration, and why does it often turn into disappointment?
Understanding BPD idealization requires exploring the emotional needs, fears, and thought patterns that fuel this behavior. This topic will explain why idealization happens, how it affects relationships, and what can be done to manage it.
What Is Idealization in BPD?
Idealization is a psychological process where someone views another person as flawless, perfect, or exceptionally good. In the context of BPD, this often happens in relationships, where a person with BPD may idolize a partner, friend, or even a therapist.
This extreme admiration can make the relationship feel intense and meaningful. However, when the idealized person does something disappointing, even something small, the admiration can quickly turn into devaluation, leading to emotional pain and relationship instability.
Why Do People with BPD Idealize Others?
1. Fear of Abandonment
One of the core symptoms of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. People with BPD often cling to relationships in an effort to avoid being left alone.
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When they meet someone new, they may idealize them as a perfect person who will never leave.
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They may overlook flaws and convince themselves that this person will always be there.
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This helps them feel secure and loved, even if it is based on unrealistic expectations.
2. Splitting: The All-or-Nothing Thinking
BPD is often associated with black-and-white thinking, also known as splitting. This means that someone with BPD may see people as all good or all bad, with no middle ground.
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In the idealization phase, they believe the person is perfect and can do no wrong.
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If something disappoints them, even slightly, they may switch to devaluation, seeing the person as hurtful or even evil.
This rapid shift between idealization and devaluation can create intense and unstable relationships.
3. Low Self-Esteem and the Need for Validation
Many people with BPD struggle with low self-worth. They may seek validation from others to feel good about themselves.
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By idealizing someone, they may hope that being close to this ‘amazing’ person will make them feel valuable.
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They may believe that if this person accepts them, they must be worthy.
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When they feel let down, their self-esteem crashes, leading to devaluation.
This emotional rollercoaster is exhausting and can make relationships feel chaotic.
4. Intense Emotions and Deep Connection
People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others. When they meet someone they admire, the excitement and happiness can feel overwhelming.
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They may feel an instant connection and believe they have met their ‘soulmate.’
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This intensity fuels idealization, making the person seem larger than life.
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However, these strong emotions can turn into deep disappointment when reality doesn’t match their expectations.
5. Past Trauma and Unmet Needs
Many people with BPD have experienced childhood trauma, neglect, or unstable relationships. This can create deep emotional wounds that affect how they connect with others.
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They may idealize people as a way to fill the void left by past relationships.
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They may hope that this person will give them the love they never had.
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When they realize that no one can be perfect, they feel betrayed and abandoned, leading to devaluation.
How Does Idealization Affect Relationships?
1. Fast-Paced, Intense Bonds
People with BPD often form intense relationships very quickly. This can feel exciting at first, but it can also be overwhelming for both partners.
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They may say things like “You’re the best person I’ve ever met” very early on.
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They may share deep personal details right away, seeking an emotional connection.
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The other person may feel flattered but also pressured by the intensity.
2. High Expectations and Disappointment
Because idealization puts unrealistic expectations on the other person, disappointment is almost inevitable.
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When the idealized person makes a small mistake, it can feel like a huge betrayal.
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The person with BPD may suddenly withdraw, lash out, or cut off contact.
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This cycle can repeat in multiple relationships, creating a pattern of emotional instability.
3. Emotional Burnout for Both People
Both the person with BPD and their partner may feel emotionally drained by the cycle of idealization and devaluation.
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The partner may feel confused, wondering why they were once praised but are now rejected.
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The person with BPD may feel heartbroken, struggling with the emotional highs and lows.
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Over time, these patterns can lead to failed relationships and emotional exhaustion.
How to Manage and Overcome Idealization in BPD
1. Recognizing the Pattern
The first step in managing idealization is becoming aware of the pattern. This means recognizing when you:
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Start seeing someone as flawless or perfect.
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Feel an intense emotional attachment too quickly.
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Get easily disappointed when they don’t meet your expectations.
Once you recognize these signs, you can start working on finding balance in your relationships.
2. Practicing Emotional Regulation
People with BPD can benefit from emotional regulation techniques to manage intense feelings.
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Mindfulness can help slow down thoughts and emotions.
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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help challenge extreme beliefs about people.
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Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is specifically designed to help people with BPD develop healthy coping strategies.
3. Learning to See People Realistically
Instead of viewing people as all good or all bad, try to see them as complex human beings with both strengths and flaws.
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Accept that everyone makes mistakes.
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Understand that no one can meet 100% of your emotional needs.
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Remind yourself that relationships take time to build and don’t have to be perfect.
4. Building Self-Worth Without External Validation
A big part of idealization comes from seeking validation from others. Learning to love and accept yourself can help reduce the need to idolize people.
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Work on self-care and self-compassion.
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Develop hobbies and interests that bring you happiness without depending on others.
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Practice affirmations and positive self-talk.
5. Seeking Therapy and Support
Professional therapy, especially DBT, can be highly effective in helping people with BPD develop healthy relationship skills.
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A therapist can help you understand your triggers.
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Support groups can provide a safe space to share experiences and learn from others.
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Medication may be an option if emotional instability is severe.
People with BPD idealize others due to deep emotional needs, fear of abandonment, and intense attachment patterns. While this behavior can create strong emotional bonds, it often leads to disappointment and unstable relationships.
By recognizing the cycle of idealization and devaluation, practicing emotional regulation, and seeking professional support, individuals with BPD can develop healthier, more stable relationships.
Understanding BPD idealization is not about judgment, but about creating awareness and finding ways to build meaningful, balanced connections with others.